Simple Words
There needs to be an explicit recognition of your friend's pain and distress. Communicate your belief that the mourner will be able to cope with the loss and that it will not always feel the way it does in the present moment.
Listen. Do not try to "fix" the grieving person. They are not broken. They are grieving. They need you to listen to them.
Say the name of the deceased person. It is important to hear the name.
Share stories of the deceased. Special memories are important to relive.
Remember that the grieving person may not be able to concentrate well.
Be patient. The grieving person does not need your frustration on top of the grieving process. Your support is needed.
Grieving takes longer than a few days. Grief is not something that a person can "get over". Grieving is a process of learning how to live without the deceased and how to show love for the deceased in different ways. It can take a long time.
Ask what the person needs. Then respond to the need.
Offer to drive your friend to the store, mall, church or the cemetery. To have company may be a gift...as well as not to have to concentrate enough to drive.
Listen to the stories your friend tells, even if you have heard them many times. Story telling is an important part of the process.
Do not tell your friend to call you whenever they need to. Oftentimes those in the grieving process do not have the energy to reach out to another person. During this time, they need you to reach out to them.
Do things that may not seem important but can be for the grieving person. Mow the lawn. Shovel the sidewalk. Make a tray of fruit or vegetables instead of cookies. Healthier nutrition is important.
Realize that you do not make the grieving person cry by mentioning the deceased's name or telling stories about the deceased. Their tears were already there, waiting for an opportunity to be shared. It is important for the person to know you care enough to welcome the tears.
Leave the ought to's and should have's out of the conversations. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Be someone the grieving person can trust to share the pain and stores with.
Remember you are with them on a journey of life. Your presence is the true gift of life and healing.
If the person seems out of touch with reality, encourage them to get help.
What Not to Do
Do not give your friend a tissue to wipe away their tears. They know where the tissues are when they need one. The tissue is a quite way of telling a person to get rid of their tears. The grieving person does not need that message from you.
Do not say "I know just how you feel." You don't. You may have similiar feelings, but it is important to recognize that the bereaved have their own unique feelings and experiences.
Do not try to answer questions that have no answer. When a person asks why, they are crying our their pain, not asking for explanations.
Do not talk. People who are grieving need you to listen to them, not talk.
Do not tell them how they should or should not feel. None of us have any rights to tell others how to feel.
Do not tell them "call me if there is any thing I can do." They need you to offer specifics, not wait for them to ask you.
Do not avoid seeing them. Even if you don't know what to do or say, let them know you care.
Do not say "Aren't you over that yet?" Death is one experience we do not get over. We learn how to live without the person we love.
Do not make them feel guilty for not doing things on your time line.
Do not expect them to "be normal." Life is changing. Normal will never be the same again.
Do not suggest they cover up the pain with medication or alcohol.
