Never Walk Alone

The Progress:

Tuesday January 30, 2001

Well he was not doing too well today - While he was at his radiation treatments he started coughing and couldnt catch his breath, so they took him to the hospital. He was admitted. His blood count was way too low, so they gave him some more blood. He was there until Wednesday.

Saturday February 3, 2001

Because of the high doses of medicine he is on - he can no longer drive himself anywhere. So the whole family pitches in to take him to his treatments. And do shopping for him and other things.

Tuesday February 6, 2001

Well as we head into February, things are still kind of hectic. He is still trying to get adjusted to all the medications and trying to cope with the pain. He is coughing a lot now and has a hard time breathing. The Hospice has sent him a visiting nurse who comes about three times a week. He is not eating regularly - he just doesnt have the taste for food anymore. It is hard on all of us and the family is starting to feel his pain more each day. The doctor called this evening and told my brother-in-law that he now has a collapsed lung and they think they will admit him to the hospital tomorrow morning.

Wednesday February 7, 2001

Well, the Hospice nurse and my mother-in-law and her daughter went to his house this morning to try to take him to the hospital. They spoke with the doctor and at this point the doctor feels he no longer needs to be receiving radiation treatments. They are not going to do anything for him at this point. They also decided not to admit him to the hospital. The Hospice now has a bed open there, so he may go there. He doesnt want to go, so we will just have to wait and see what happens. He is having terrible difficulty even getting out of bed. As a result he has fallen twice now, but he has not injured himself, he just doesnt have the strength to get back up on his own.

It is a very sad thing to see someone you love going so slowly before your eyes - we can only pray at this time that the Lord will have his way and send him comfort in his greatest time of need.

Thursday February 8, 2001

He was doing so badly the previous day that my husband and his mother stayed with him all day. He even passed out in the early afternoon while they were trying to help him out of bed. After he came to, he told them he better go ahead and go to the Hospice facility. So later that afternoon he has transported to the Hospice. The family was with him as he got settled in his new room. They started him on a morphine IV.

Saturday February 10, 2001

Well it is Saturday and My husband and I went to visit him today. I have'nt seen him in about a week and half. He has changed so drastically - almost overnight it seems. He is nothing but skin and bones. He is concious and knows who you are when you talk to him. But he has periods of apnea, and he just gets a blank stare on his face and stops breathing. They a few seconds later he takes a breath as if nothing happened. Seeing that was scary for me. I was a Certified Nurse Aid years ago and I've seen a lot of Cancer patients in my time and it it never easy to watch them slowly go. He gets highly aggitated if visitors stay to long with him, even his own children, so we made our visit short. I hugged him, told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye. Even in his state of pain and aggrivation he smiled at me and told me the same. That felt good.

Sunday February 11,2001

Well today is Sunday and my husband, his mother and one of his brothers are at the Hospice with him. With more frequent episodes of him not breathing he does'nt have much longer. We dont want him to continue his suffering. It is only a matter of time now.

Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer:..be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Revelations 2:10

Monday February 12, 2001

Well today most of the family went to work as they normally do. My husband took his mother to Hospice so she could stay with his dad. The Hospice called us in the early afternoon and told us to start getting the family on it's way because he did'nt have much longer. We all got to the Hospice shortly after the call. We all prayed at his bedside. The priest came and lead the last rites. He was floating in and out of conciousness. His breathing was heavy and somewhat labored. At one point when he was concious he actually sat up and got a little aggitated that we were all there. One of my sister in laws offered him some water and he did drink a little. By the early evening he was in a coma, he was not reponsive anymore. Most of us stayed with him until about 7:00 pm. Then we went home. The Hospice called us all back in around 11:00 pm. We stayed with him until around 3:00 am, he had no change in his condition. We went home again to get some sleep.

Tuesday February 13, 2001

I went to work this morning to make sure everything was going ok there, my husband went back to the Hospice. His condition has not changed. I left work in the early afternoon and joined the rest of the family at the Hospice. We all stayed with him most of the evening.

Wednesday February 14, 2001

Well it's Valentine's Day. He is still with us. His condition was still the same in the morning. I was at work - I manage approx forty five people and its really hard being torn between work and family at a time like this. My husband called me about noon and told me I needed to come, so I left work and headed to the Hospice. His first born grandchild is on her way from Florida, her and her husband will be in today around 7:00 pm. In the early afternoon he started to have body movements. His arms and hands and shoulders would move. His head would move sometimes too, even his eyebrows would raise. When we would talk to him - it almost seemed as if he knew we were there and he nodded his head or raised an eyebrow. But his eyes were fixed, he did not blink. His first grandchild got there and as she sat there talking to him, his breathing changed drastically. It turned to a slower calmer pace. It was almost as if he was waiting for her. Now he had finally had all of the family by his bedside.

This is a poem I wrote as I was at the Hospice Facility on Wednesday evening.

Lord send your angel down

To lay a hand upon his brow

Take all the pain and suffering

Away from him tonight

He's your child, one of your own

Please Lord have mercy from the throne

Take his soul to rest with thee

And keep his spirit forever free.

Thursday February 15, 2001

I went into work this morning, the rest of the family went to the Hospice. I received a phone call around 10:00am that he had passed. I went right away to the Hospice. My husband went in the room with me. I took his hand and told him I loved him, said my goodbye and told him I would see him again.

I wrote a poem for him - which is below.

He will be deeply missed and always loved in our Memories

We All Love You Bernie